“Staying For the Kids” Often Backfires

Understanding the domestic violence effects on children matters when weighing that decision. Parents in abusive relationships often stay because they think keeping the family together is better for the children, because they’re afraid they can’t provide for the kids alone, or because they worry the abuser will harm the children if they aren’t there to intervene. Those fears are understandable, but decades of research on children raised in homes with domestic violence tells a different story: staying isn’t better for the children, and the harm doesn’t require the child to be hit.

Researchers generally study two groups: children who witnessed a parent being abused but were not abused themselves, and children who were abused along with their parent. Both groups are compared to children raised in homes without abuse. The evidence is consistent: growing up in an abusive home is significantly worse for a child, during childhood and well into adulthood, than growing up without it. Notably, several studies find that simply living in a home where a parent is being abused, even when the child is never touched, produces outcomes nearly as damaging as being abused directly.

Leaving Is Rarely Simple, But Help Exists

The decision to stay or leave is yours, and it should be informed by the real facts and risks to you and your children, not just the harm you can see. There are legal protections available, including custody arrangements built around your family’s safety, and there are shelters and other resources to help you and your children leave an abusive home.

If you have concerns about a child’s safety during visitation with an abusive co-parent, North Carolina courts can order supervised visitation and other protective conditions as part of a custody order or a Domestic Violence Protective Order (DVPO). For the full range of custody and visitation protections available through a DVPO, see our guide to DVPOs in NC.

Many abusers wage a long campaign of psychological control that leaves a victim doubting whether they can function or care for their children alone. That doubt tends to fade once a person is safely away from the abuser, counseling and self-compassion can speed that process, and many survivors are surprised by how capable they turn out to be. While you’re still in the home, being nurturing and helping your children build resilience, a healthy sense of self, optimism, and a belief that their actions matter, measurably improves their odds of coming through it well, even though it’s always better for a child to be free of abuse altogether.

• Edleson, J.L. (1999). “The Overlap Between Child Maltreatment and Woman Battering.” Violence Against Women, 5:134-154.
• “Behind Closed Doors: The Impact of Domestic Violence on Children.” UNICEF, Child Protection Section and The Body Shop International (2006).
• Straus, Gelles, and Smith, “Physical Violence in American Families: Risk Factors and Adaptations to Violence in 8,145 Families.” Transaction Publishers (1990).
• Whitfield, C., Anda, R., Dube, S., and Felitti, V. (2003). “Violent childhood experiences and the risk of intimate partner violence as adults.” Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 18(12).
• Volpe, J.S., “Effects of Domestic Violence on Children and Adolescents: An Overview.” The American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress (1996).
• Fantuzzo, J. and Mohr, W. (1999). “Prevalence and effects of child exposure to domestic violence.” The Future of Children, 9(3), 21-32.
• Schechter, S. and Edleson, J.L. (2000). Domestic violence and children: Creating a public response. Center on Crime, Communities and Culture for the Open Society Institute.
• U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics, “Female Victims of Violence” (2009).
• Huth-Bocks, Levendosky, & Bogat (2002); Moylan, Herrenkohl, Sousa, Tajima, Herrenkohl, & Russo (2010).